Dear Lucy and Dexter

Moving from GOLO.

Hi there,
It is me--you know the one that opens your canned food for you?

I’d like to clarify something for you. At night when I’m sitting on the sofa and I call for you both it would be nice if one or both of you actually came to sit with me. Also you will notice that I pat the sofa inviting you to sit with me, this is an invitation to come get affection. Lucy, you just don’t seem to get this at all and just look at me like I'm crazy, and Dexter I guess in your cat brain it is a challenge to steal my seat when I get up which I really don't appreciate. I appreciate it even less when you dart into my spot as I'm almost in the seat and then scream like I'm crushing you.

What I’d really like to clarify is that the time for getting affection is definitely not when I’m trying to go to the bathroom. I don’t need both of you rubbing on my ankles, purring and Dexter the nipping of my calves when I don’t pet you is very distracting---do I harass you guys when you’re in the litter box?? (seriously, when I am sitting on the sofa this behavior would be welcomed and rewarded with attention and love but in the bathroom it is not welcomed)

Lucy, this next bit applies to you so pay attention. Whilst I thought it was a little cute at first, the obsession with watching the toilet flush is getting a little creepy especially as now you try to reach in and catch things before they go down the drain. You are officially banned from the bathroom. (though it will come in handy when I need to catch you to go to the vet, I’ll just flush the toilet and have you come running)

Also, do not wait until I pick up my knitting to suddenly be the lovebugs of the year. I'm not buying it.

I’ll try to forgive the laundry pooping incident and keep you boxes filled to the tippy top but can you work on the above for me?

And one more teensy little thing. I realize that you do not enjoy the healthy cat food as much as you enjoy the Purina that I bought that day that I ran out and had to hit the grocery store for food. I do try to hook you guys up by mixing a small part of Purina into the other food. I will be discontinuing this practice due to some wiseazz (again, looking at you Lucy) picking out all the Purina and spitting out the Avoderm onto my carpet. Thanks for teaching this to Dexter.

It is possible that you may have learned this from watching me pick out all the pretzels from my Chex Mix, but you will notice that I put them into another bowl and don’t chuck them on the carpet to be vacuumed up by the help. And we don’t have a maid--that’d be me that has to clean up all the half chewed kibble before the dog gets to it. (and by the way, if you train Savannah to eat your food like that she will inhale both the Purina and Avoderm--she isn’t a cat food connoisseur like you two and will eat any and all cat food that she can find)